Erica's story

Hello. My name is Erica, and this is my story. I am an Indigenous woman who has direct experiences with abuse, addiction, and criminalization. I have been in and out of the “care” of Children’s Aid Society (CAS) my whole life and foster homes, where I saw my sister being molested. I had to raise myself with little guidance and assistance from my parents. I acted out a lot as a child because I was raising myself and I was thrown on medication. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. At one point I was forced to stay with my dad, who was abusive. I was taken away from a mother, who was an alcoholic, to be placed with an abusive person. I was bullied throughout elementary school where I was called fat, stupid, ugly and my father did the same thing. The education system put me on ADHD medication and I continued to spiral down a negative path. At 14 years old, I started having sex with older people. I felt the attention gave me love and belonging. In grades 8 and 9, I started drinking my dad’s alcohol off the counter and going to house parties. I got raped a few times and then after that, I started drinking in public. In grade 9 I got kicked out of my home and I moved in with my mother where I used drugs and drank with her. At 16 years old I met a guy who was 19 who became my boyfriend and I moved in with him. We would drink a lot, I got pregnant and dropped out of high school. I stayed out of trouble for three years until I was 21 when I left him for my ex of 5 years. He was extremely abusive. He almost took my life on the reserve. I have a lot of permanent damage from the abuse: mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. At 24 I left my ex, lost my job, my child, my car and I started drinking. I had no family support and I just drank and used drugs every day and started to engage in sex work to get that stuff. I had multiple overdoses. So instead of being like “I have no self-love and I don’t feel loved”, I started thinking in my head if somebody hurts me I’m just going to get back at them for revenge. And that’s when I went over the edge and got angry and I went and decided to light my ex-boyfriend’s car on fire out of nowhere. This was really hard. I was charged and ended up being charged and doing time inside.

When I was released from jail, I tried to get help and I relapsed, and I was very suicidal. There was no support and I was charged again for “trying to kidnap” my daughter because CAS would not let me talk to her, see her, or anything. I had raised my daughter for seven years straight and all of the sudden I couldn’t even get supervised visits even if I was sober. That power was taken away from me by the system that was supposed to protect children and not split up families yet caused that harm to me and my daughter. I was really upset about that and I tried to kidnap her. I got caught and was given 6 months in jail for that and for threatening to burn down CAS. They knew I had issues and was suicidal yet put me in jail anyways. I was released again, I relapsed, and I assaulted the police while drinking and got another four months in jail. Once I was released again I got into therapy, but I got sent home because of the COVID-19 pandemic and I started drinking again. I was going to stay clean and fight for my daughter, but the courts were closed, and drinking makes me feel good. And the crack addiction keeps me level when I am drinking and using. So basically, last time I tried to quit cocaine, I started drinking instead and I got drunk and angry because a drug dealer made me feel stupid. So, I went back and broke their windows and got 18 months in jail. Recently I was charged with assault with a weapon, concealed identity, but in reality, one of the men at the drug dealer’s house beat me with a rake so bad I had to get stitches and had injuries all over my head.

Now that I am back in jail, I reached out to the Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre (OCDC) for help but was made to feel like a “criminal”. The doctor I saw made me feel embarrassed and stupid about my injuries. He said, “maybe I should stop putting myself in situations with my ex where people are going to keep cracking my skull”. He said this because I asked him to put me on pain relief medication because I get migraines from the injuries. I told the doctor how drinking takes away the pain. And he made me feel stupid about that and then I had to beg him to get referred to a psychiatrist. And he said why do you need to see a psychiatrist? I explained that I have been through a lot since childhood and that’s why drinking helps me cope. He said that of course drinking will make you not feel anything like as if I was stupid. And he’s like” fine no problem, you can see the psychiatrist” after I was made to feel stupid.

So basically, my plan is I just want to be released from jail and be civilized and live a normal life. I want my life back and a clean name again. I am willing to work for it, but I feel like as far as the community and well-being plan they need to start with action and release plans inside the jail before people are released and take stories like this into consideration before putting people back on the street to prevent a lot of the situations like mine. The city has not reached out to anyone in this jail and this is the only opportunity I have had to state my views as a prisoner because no one cares. I never heard about the Community Safety and Well-Being Plan.

My situation is sad. When I look at my life from a third-person perspective, I would feel bad for anybody in my situation. In my head, I was made to believe that I’ve done this to myself, which I did in a sense, but it’s sad to know that a year and a half ago I didn’t have a criminal record and now I am going to the penitentiary for 31 months. I had to beg for help and in the end, it is too late now because I am going to be sent to a penitentiary.

As for my daughter, I can’t even talk to her on the phone or anything. And I raised her for seven years straight. When I started drinking and using again, I reached out to my family because I didn't want to lose her. If I reached out to services, they would tell CAS, who would take my child from me. So I told my family that I needed help instead. One night I didn’t answer my phone and they thought I overdosed so they called the police. In reality, I was just sleeping beside my daughter in bed. The police came in that night and I haven't seen her since—it's been almost two years.

I tried to offer my sister to ask her Dad if I can help out in any way. But anything I do just puts me in jail—if I go near or touch my daughter. All I did is show up in our driveway, put my daughter in my lap and I didn't let her go. I was arrested and put in jail for six months for that. Charged with child abuse, forcible confinement, and kidnapping. She sat in my lap and the neighbours were trying to rip her out of my arm. So, I was charged with child abuse for not letting her go.

I just think that they should start from the inside out and make an action plan for people leaving these facilities. Not just probation and breach where you come back. Community services need to support people to be with their children instead of ripping them from their families without proper supports. With everything that has happened, my daughter is traumatized. Why can’t she talk to me on the phone, so I can support her? It's not like I'm on the phone drinking and using. I went to CAS and asked if I can see them. They said I can’t because it is a family court matter and I will have to wait years to know. That's upsetting. And during the COVID, I can't do anything about it because only the criminal courts are open. Besides, OCDC doesn’t even take us to family court. I would do anything because I miss my daughter. She was like my best friend. We would drive around listening to Taylor Swift all the time, go to Burger King and the Galaxy Cinemas. It was awesome.

Whenever I reach out for help it backfires. I would have been better off not saying anything to CAS for the protection of my family and everybody. Before I was doing just fine. As soon as I lost my daughter and the heartbreak everything just back fires. There's no support for families because even when I called them because I was afraid to tell outside services about my addiction because if you tell outside services they have to call and report what you're doing. I feel like if I didn't say anything at all it would have been better because I was doing just fine. But it was coming to a point where I was only saving enough money for her supper, her school, lunches, and gas in the car together to school and back. Like I went on a sick leave because the addiction was getting so bad. But the reason I'm banned from her and CAS is because of trying to kidnap her. But the reason I was so mad at CAS is because I did exactly what they said. They said come drive down to our building come speak with us. And they shunned me as a “crackhead” and as if I've been doing it for years, when I was fairly new to it. This made me feel like not a good person whatsoever. They didn't want to work with me. They just told me I was like basically a drug addict and I'd have to change everything which I was willing to do. But I felt so offended because they didn’t recognize my trauma. They told me they cannot help me, and it is now a family court matter and they won't be able to be on my side. They have to be on her dad’s side of the situation.

There is no help because I have to just go to family court. But then CAS told them another story. They said that if I follow the procedures and go down and work with them that they can come up with a family plan and I was so insulted that I just threw the papers and I walked out. And when I kidnapped my daughter, I was obviously under the influence and I said I wanted to kill myself when I was in the police car and I threatened to blow them up and stuff like that. So now I'm not allowed near my daughter or anybody. I have serious charges for that incident, uttering death threats, forcible confinement, and child abuse. I don’t believe holding my child is harming her. She got off the bus and seen me and ran right up to me, sat in my lap and I called her name and she's like Mom and we were talking for five minutes. And then when I went to walk away with her and the taxi that's when her family jumped in. I wouldn't let her go. So that's how that situation went, and I did do my time for it. I did six months.

I remember hearing the police knocking on my door and that was the last time I saw my daughter. She was in bed and I was asleep in my chair in the living room, but she was right beside me, but they came in and the police were knocking. They came in with flashlights and stuff. The landlord let them in and I didn’t even have an idea of what was going on and I had my sister drive down or else the police were going to take her right there from me. And I wasn't going to let my daughter be traumatized. I told the police, you're not touching her or waking her up, I will call family to come to get her because they were going to take her right there in the middle of the night. Big uniformed cops in my house. I told CAS a million times to come to my home because I have food in the fridge, I'm very clean, my daughter has a bedroom with a bed made and toys all around. I explained to them I'm going mentally insane without my daughter. I knew I was going to do something stupid. Like, go flying over there to see her myself and the family knew it. I had strangulation marks because I tried to strangle myself with an extension cord because no one was letting me see my daughter. I was going insane and they just have to tell me if I keep trying I'm going to be put in jail. So then I said screw it and I just got in a taxi and went and seen her and she was so happy to see me. So I don't really regret it at the end of the day.

I love that there's the Community Safety and Well-Being Plan for Ottawa. And I think people should be working together and coming together from the inside out rather than being against each other and scared of people in jail with criminal records and giving them more of a chance. I don't agree with a lot of jobs where you can't get it because you have a criminal record. Like I had no record prior to this and I have Indian status, so I can go to school for free. A lot of the courses, I can't take now because of my record. Until I get a pardon which takes like 10 years, I'll be 40. It's just very corrupt. Surviving all the trauma and the violence that your subject at the end of the day due to colonialism, childhood abuse and neglect, and the intergenerational trauma. You have to go through so many loopholes to get help. Even on the outside, it's like they give you the crisis line, which is great but it's always three months waiting list to get into treatment and programming. For that three months until you're literally on the verge of suicide. They lock you up to a bed and it's like I think there should be more services and organizations and stuff because the mentally ill and substance abuse is getting worse and worse especially in the pandemic.