Lasting Damage from Police Brutality

On a cold day in December, 2019, my friend had the police called on them by a security guard. They purchased a ticket and was still denied entry to The Babylon Nightclub.

The police grabbed them and pushed them into the snow, suffocating them. I had to run outside with no shoes on (I am disabled) to save my friend from the police brutality.

I told cops to get off of them, as they needed to be removed from the grasp in order to comply with the polices orders. The cops refused to let them go, claiming they are a “danger to the public” if they are released, even though they can’t stop a panic attack halfway through.

I explained I too am mentally ill, physically disabled, and autistic, and that I understood my friends concerns more than the police did. They had no way of de-escalating the situation and continued to push them into the snow, where they coughed and complained about being unable to breathe.

The police then grabbed me without warning, forcing me to my feet, immediately pushing me into a panic attack. They told me to “chillax” (as if anyone could relax while being threatened with handcuffs). I explained AGAIN we are both mentally ill and need people who are trained with mental illness to work with us.

A white police man said to me “So because you’re mentally ill, you can get off scot free?” And he tried to gaslight me as I tried to de-escalate the situation myself. They continued to hurt and kick my friend, who is black and dark-skinned.

I am also black, light-skinned, and they told me I was also a danger to the public if I continued to speak to them in an “aggressive tone”. I am not aggressive. I am small and scared that they were going to kill my friend.

Once they finally released my friend from being suffocated, they grabbed my arm and tried to take me back to the apartment, in which the police said “No real friend ever treats their friends like that! (They) aren’t you’re friend if (they) grab you like that.”. What the police failed to realize is that they are the ones who pushed my friend to that level. They are the ones who progressed a breakdown by sitting on them, suffocating them, calling them names and slurs used against disabled folks, and laughing at us and calling us liars and fakes.

The police blamed me for the situation, saying I should have came out earlier so that this wouldn’t have happened. Like it is my job to make sure the police don’t beat mentally ill black people.

I have severe issues with high intense situations, and to push the blame on another mentally ill individual is an insult. It is not the mentally ills fault for bigotry. It is not the black peoples fault for being profiled at a nightclub.

We have been traumatized by this situation. We never leave the house and go out to have fun, my friend believes that they are better off dead knowing that cops don’t care about their wellbeing.

I have always had suicidal thoughts and tendencies related to feeling like a burden and a nuisance, and when the police told me that if I had come out sooner, they wouldn’t have had to suffocate my friend, it gave me lasting damage. I now self-harm chronically, thinking it will stop me from being a burden on the world. I have attempted suicide over 3 times (I have not informed my friends) in just the few months that this occured, believing that no one actually wants the best for us, believing that no one cares about us. No one actually wants us around. They all want us dead. No one cares about our lives until we are dead

Please, stop the police from harming innocent, mentally ill black folks. Stop suffocating people. Please learn how to de-escalate rather than threaten to beat someone. Don’t blame us because we are mentally ill. Don’t make fun of us and laugh at us crying. Don’t tell us to “chillax” while you wave your cuffs and tazer at me. Don’t minimize our fear, because we know you’re capable of killing us and sweeping it under the rug.

Listen to us. Defund the police. Put mental health workers at the front to help us. Put people who are aware of our oppression. Don’t hurt me anymore. I’m tired of trying to kill myself because the police wanted to kill me.